The Same
by nocturna07
Summary: Passing through the Omega 4 Relay didn't only change history. It changed people, it changed me. And after all, I was not sure if I was strong enough to face the future...
1. Storm

Hy everyone!

First of all: I'm no native speaker , so I hope you don't mind some little mistakes :). I'm glad about correction and reviews as I'm not sure if I should continue with this.

I don't own anything on Mass Effect.

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1. Cold inside

The first time that I realized how much power he really had handled all the time since we got to know each other on the old Normandy, was when he jumped our shaking ship back through the Omega 4 Relay.

There where a scarring sound, a mixture of the engines screeming at the burden, a console break down under the pressure and the hull of the ship cracking around us, shaked by the blast of the exploding Collectors' Station.

There was chaos everywhere, the most of the crewmembers had assembled themselfs in the CIC, all still shocked by the things they had seen as our enemies took them, killed even a few of them.

Kelly gave a smale scream as we where hit again by a massive wall of pressure, blown away from the explosion with incredible speed.

Even in the eyes and faces of my squad, some of the bravest beeings in the entire Universe, I could see the fear, the desperation, the will to live.

Some of them where clenching at each others, like Garrus, who had catched Talis' hips to prevent her from falling as she stumbled, or Jacob, leaning on Miranda, who was still kneeling on the floor, breathing heavy under exhaustion after she had put her body to the frontiers of her strengh through overusing her biotic forces.

Thane and Samara stood near the airlock, she with darkened eyes, him with closed ones, so it seemed they where concentrating on the hope that we would make it through, their hands connected, fingers laced into each others'.

I myself gripped the back of his chair as my mind went blank for a second, my body demanding the prize for what I've done only minutes before.

And in the middle of this storm of emotions, people screaming, the ship trembling, us, walking on the thin line between life and death, he had got silent, calm, like a stable rock in the agitated waves of the sea.

I focused on his hands, rushing over the consoles with incredible speed, substituding energy between the areas, who currently needed them, and the ones we had already lost.

The red glow of the relay rushed closer to my eyes as we where pulled foreward through the mass effect, right into the center of the Relay, which was known as the one no ship had ever returned from.

Silence overcame the Normandy as she where shot through space, her cracking, whining stopped in the moment we launched forewards and jumped back to the Omega system.

As we slowed down, the first noise that broke that magic moment was a whistle of relief that came from Jokers lips as he leaned back, finally taking his hands from the monitores in front of him, laying them on the rails of his seat.

I still couldn't take my eyes of off them and so I realized how they started to shake easily, as the electricity, that had tensed his muscles, left his body.

"We're alive..." Tali whispered into the void of sound, her voice so small but harsh. I raised my head and took a gaze on all the people in front of me, who looked at me like they wanted me to tell them that it was really over, that we had made it.

But I couldn't. I knew this was only going to be the start, that they were coming and that the thing we went through on the Collectors base had been nothing against the one that would be to challenge when the reapers arrived our part of the Galaxy.

Thankfully I was able to give them a smile, still bearing myself up on the pilot's chair. It seemed like it sprung from my lips, cause instantly Thane returned it, giving it foreward to Garrus, who passed it to Grunt. This ones lips spreaded soundless first, but then where shaked by a laughter, coming out as deep tone from deep in his throat.

"Unbeliveable. Plausibility to end mission sucessfull where only reclined on 25 %. Historical happening will afford maximum amount of data. Glad I was on this mission." Mordin started to brabble and with this motion came back to the people.

Garrus catched Talis' gaze, suddenly beeing aware of where his hands had gone and he stepped back immediatly, nervous scratching his neck but smiling at her.

Jakob helped Miranda up and I couldn't fail to recognize how he lightly stroked her hair out of her face, as she stood in front of him.

Certain member of the crew hugged each other, so happy just to be alive, to be there to tell the story.

And I stood there, feeling all alone, so cold, so torned appart. I turned my head from the cheerfullnes of them, finding myself looking right into Joker eyes, who told me the same message as my heart did.

Death would follow us. There was no chance to keep it out of sight.


	2. Not that kind

Heyo!

First of all thanks to Diabo for your Review! Promise I will take care of the first chapters' mistakes as soon as I can!

This time I tried your hint and got more into description. I hope it works! :)

2. Not that kind

It seemed like weeks were passig, although it could have been only hours since I ordered Joker to head to Illium and flew into my quarter.

I couldn't stand the moot of my crew, this overpouncing energy keeping them all up despite of their injuries and the images of the things the Collectors had done to them. None of them were quitting their stations as I asked them to do so, if they needed time to rally. Like I was the only one feeling tired to the end, burned out completly, locked up in my mind all alone.

They all shared a special moment, the bound of people who nearly died together, an emotion that warmed their hearts for now but would be slowly erodet by the time.

I was no part of this. I couldn't find pleasure in the thought of beeing alive by now. I had died two years ago.

Starring at the wall across the room I pulled my feet off the floor and clenched my knees, trying to catch the betraying warmth of my breath beneath them and my chest, so I could get rid of the constant shiver running through my veins.

Cold, so cold...it seemed like this skin could hold no heat, like it would leak out the second it came to life.

The sudden sound of EDI blopping up on her console made me wince and I struggled to take controll over my voice, as I asked her for her request.

"Mr. Moreau asks for permission to talk to you." the AI stated emotionless, patiently waiting for my answer.

I hung my head, giving a sigh, before I slowly got my body unfolded and stood up. Garrus, Miranda, even Jack had tried to talk to me after we came back. I told them all to wait but it seemed they were getting nervous about that as they made Joker coming all this way up to try for his luck.

Surely, the crew were used to me talking about everything with everyone, taking care of their fears or hopes, but I needed time to think, to get sober from the intoxication of my own doubts.

"Tell him I don't wanna talk."

"Very well, Commander." EDI answered and dissapeared only to appereance again seconds later.

"Jeff wants you to know that he appreciate your feelings but has to allude that the crew is sorrowed by your current behaviour."

I felt a light smirk drawing my lips as I listened to the AI's circular explanation. "THAT were his exact words?" I asked amused as she ended.

For a moment it nearly felt like EDI was embarrased as she said nothing. Then, her bright, mechanic voice lit up again.

"No. It was more like: I don't give a shit about that and now open that door or I'll come down and fry your fucking switching network!"

My chuckle surprised me, it came out so natural but it felt like this body would act on it's own, no matter what my soul where feeling.

"Let him in." I said with a cracking voice, placing myself again on the couch, not able to find the strange to stand straight any longer. What the hell had happened to me? Had I got weak, powerless after all?

There weren't any bruises or wounds on my body that I dind't have had before - the traces of living a life like a target for the insane and the evil – but somehow, this time I couldn't recover so easy. I couldn't get rid of what I saw in the Collectors Base. And I still felt those voice rushing throught my brain, telling me that I've changed nothing and will have to face bigger threats then this enemy.

Gladfully I managed to center myself the moment Joker reached the stairs beside the fish tank and didn't wait for him even to get a start. I had to think, to go over myself, and so I wasn't willing to discuss.

As casual as possible I straightend myself in my sitting position and gave him a annoyed glance.

"Let me guess: Garrus told you he would kick your ass if you don't come up and try to talk to me."

He didn't even turn, just gave me a nonchalant wave aside and continiued to admire my fish. It took me a second to wonder why he did so, before the clue came on my mind easily. They, floating through the water weightless and gently, reflected the moves I felt the Normandy doing sometimes, mostly when he was bored at the shift we called Night.

"Listen, why don't you just go back down and tell him and Miranda that I'm allright? I just need some time to rest and to be true...I'm tired and not in the mood for talking. Plus: You've never been exactly a people's person so don't tell me you would enjoy it."

"Your favorite Turian is busy right now with not beeing caught when starring at Talis...supportive hips and I don't even want to know what Mrs. Perfect and our soldier of the year are doing down in her quarter..." he simply answered, making his way down the stairs, took a seat unquestioned and knew exactly that he would get away with it.

"Beside that, I know it's hard to believe, but maybe it was me beeing worried about you."

That got my attention. I knew that Joker always were the one who could really see behind what was going on between and with people. His lack of social skills where easily filled by his ability to keep track on things and draw the right conclusions.

He even mentioned sometimes that he was worried about certain things or people, but at least it where surprising that he did it so directly, without hiding it behind some wisecracks.

I leaned back, giving my weight to the support of the cold leather and fixed him.

"So? Well, then it's a lot more easy: I'm allright, thanks for the attention." was all I gave him.

"Hm. Not willing to talk, was it, right?" he answered smiling, crossing his arms and taking my gaze.

"Exactly."

"Ok...maybe I could talk then! Let's see...I could start with the first flight simulation I got and borrow you to death by telling you each little stupid maneuver I did and then I could tell you more about...!"

"Got it!" I snapped, breaking his fluency, turning my head to stare at the wall again. "You won't leave."

"Rrrrrihgt."

We sat silent then for some minutes and I almost could feel his gaze still linger on me. I didn't even know why, but it didn't bother me a bit. Maybe because of that look he had gave me on the bridge hours before. He seemed to know that I was upset.

"Are you cold?" his voice suddenly braked in and cracked the bubble of silence. There was something different to it, not his normal, cocky tone.

"Why should I?" was all I could say, very well aware of the trembling of my body.

"Just thought...maybe because you're shaking."

On that point I knew he wouldn't stopp asking me out until I opened. We never had got really personal before, except that one discussion about his disease, but somehow it always felt like we just didn't had to.

He knew what I thought and I could read his face too, so sometimes there weren't even orders necessary to our work.

Feeling kind of reliefed I let go of my stiff, official behaviour, again pulling my knees close and ending up just in the position I had before he arrived.

"No. Not really. It's more like..." the words faded of my lips, echoing in my head. What was I'm going to say? It's more like feeling yourself slowly go crazy?

"More like what?" Joker gently teased, still sitting with crossed arms, trying to read my expressions.

"Like not beeing dead – but neither alive."

Now, that this thought had reached my tongue motion came into my mind. I was stucked with my own imagination and continued to speak without recognizing it.

"The others feel that. God knows I have their support, they follow my orders. But when it comes down to it I'm just like a ghost...or something really bad. Nobody wants to be near me...nobody touches me...even Kaidan stepped back."

I paused there as the memorization of past days, of Kaidan holding me close, me pulling him near, took over and I directly suffered from wanting for it. To be hold...to hold someone.

Joker hadn't moved, but he no longer looked at me so it was my turn to study his face.

"Guess I know what you're talking about!" he murmured, then got on louder. "It's like they are afraid to get infected if they step too close. As if they could suffer Vroliks' just by touching me...or death, in your case."

The movement came so out of nowhere that I didn't even recognize it before his hand touched mine, a small, soft contact between our skins. His fingers were just as cold as mine but despite that some kind of electricity shot through mine as we interlaced them.

Such an innocent, little gesture...but so much more to the both of us in this moment. I suddenly understood how lonesome, isolatet he must have felt all his life, feelings I knew better then it was worth.

"You miss him?" Jokers question came out nearly not more then a whisper and I saw him starring down at our hands as I raised my eyes.

It took me a second to listen to the reactions my mind came up with. "No." I finally said, "What I miss is my old life! I died two years ago...and somehow it seems like a part of everyone, who was with me, where distroyed that day too! Garrus has gotten so disaffected, Tali so grown up, Kaidan...he has changed a lot. And me, I'm not able to catch things up where I left them. To my friends, I'm the living past."

At this he shook his head and I nearly lost his voice through the rush of feelings that overcame my senses as he started to play with the tip of his fingers on mine. It had been so long that somebody had been so near me – physically and emotionly - and all I wanted was to make it last cause it gave me the feeling of beeing human.

"It's not like this." he said quietly. "I never saw someone holding more future then you, Shepard."

With that he backed down, leaving me loosing myself again in agony, longing for beeing touched.

Something inside me where torn appart that moment and I already lost control. Again my mind went blank, there were only feeling, acting, with my selfawareness breaking down. Maybe I was overtired or traumatized but at that point I couldn't controll my actions anymore.

I watched myself moving, standing up, walking over to him. Slowly my hands touched his shoulders, gripping them, as I settled myself down right on him, our faces only detached by a few inches of air.

"Show me I'm alive." I heard myself say, words drowned with craving. His green eyes pierced through mine as I leaned in closer, tilting my head aside. "Kiss me."

Those two words came out more like a breath, so soft.

There were seconds of silence, only filled by the tension between us.

Then, when he slowly moved, took my wrists, pulling my hands from his body, placing them between us, I freezed in confusion.

What did I do wrong? Why didn't he want to feel me? Through running thoughts I suddenly returned back to my mind, realizing, what I've been up to do.

Shocked, frightened at my own behaviour I started to stutter, avoiding his eyes. "I...I..sorry...that..."

A hand touching my chin and carefully pulling it up so I had to face him stopped me from making myself a complete idiot.

Again his eyes were on me and I recognized dark little scores inside his green pupils, spreaded there like the stars in the universe.

His expression softened as I took a deep breathe, wanting to apologize again and he sushed me by just smiling at me, still not letting go of my wrists.

"You know, I guess some 'pals' here see me as a guy who'd jump on each chance a girl says that, and maybe, only maybe, they're sometimes right."

He paused, looking aside for a moment, the smile sliding out his face.

There it was again, the calmness, the power I had seen, when he jumped us out of hell. As he turned his head to face me again I saw him more serious then ever.

"But I'm not the kind of guy who uses a girls' weak moment to get cheap satisfaction...first of all if that girl is a friend."

It seemed to me he felt the chaos in my head, leaving me speechless, not able to move, waiting for him to get on.

"BUT", I was reliefed he gave me his smile again, "I could be allright with that shoulder to lean on thing I guess."

With that he let go of my hands only to grap my hips, turning me to his side. His right arm still around me he gently pulled me back so my head rested on his shoulder.

It calmed me down more then everything he could've done instead. The tense of my body, the pressure of laying everyone's live on the line felt off my soul and left me tired.

Single tears bedew my eyes, while my racing heart slowed down and accomponied the path of his, which I felt beating constantly through his chest.

"It's ok to feel alone sometimes, Shepard." the warmth of his whisper was tracing my temple. "And I guess it's allright to miss old times. But all that matters for now, is that we are still here. We always will remember the one's we lost on our way when this all ends, but as long as you and me will still be there to do so, everythings allright."

There where no words on my mind to respond to that and even if I have had an idea what to say, I wouldn't had the chance to. My mind where slowly fading, giving in to the bodys demand for sleep, catching me all in darkeness.


End file.
